By: Tracey Soghrat BSc., BSc.N, RN, C-IAYT, 12/30/2018

Picture this;

You’re in the midst of asking your 2-year old (for the 500^th time) to calm down and use his words instead of hitting you and screaming in the middle of the grocery store.  Or, fast forward and you’re making the third dinner of the night because your kids think your cooking is gross. Or your teenager is saucily telling you to take your archaic ideas and quite frankly stuff it (just in nastier language).

And. You. Lose. Your. Shit.

You open your mouth and the wrath of a thousand sleepless nights wrapped in layers of your own unprocessed history implodes the room. Sound familiar?

In order to bring the benefits of mindfulness off the mat and into our relationships, we need to develop skills that support us when things go off the rails.

Mindful parenting involves at least the following:

1. Building a foundation of attunement through regular time spent together-this sets the stage for your relationship.
2. Modifying your own stress and perfectionism – studies show that this is what causes kids the most distress. When you are in a constant state of overwhelm, mood contagion shifts the emotional climate of your home to match YOU.
3. Noticing your feelings and regulating them when you’re in conflict with your kid.
4. Learning to pause before responding in anger.
5. Listening respectfully to their viewpoint before responding, even if/when you disagree.

What does it look and feel like?

Attunement: This is the ability to be present and aware of the child’s experience through understanding their rhythms and window of tolerance and demonstrating that understanding to them. This doesn’t mean acting the same way as them, but it does mean acknowledging their present state and taking action that is skillful and reflective of where they’re at.

Responsiveness: This is the ability to respond to whatever is driving the behaviour your child is displaying. Sometimes it’s emotional, sometimes it’s developmental and sometimes it’s related to social pressures. You have to discern the root cause of the behaviour in the face of their temperament so that you can act rather than react.

Emotional Regulation: The best way for your kid to learn regulation skills is to see them in action. This looks like naming your feelings, taking responsibility for them and not behaviourally acting them out in a way that is harmful.  It also means that when you do lose it, you repair the rupture through accountability. As you coach yourself through this, you become your child’s best teacher.

Results Please:

Research is beginning to show what we intuitively know. Parenting mindfully creates more stability, trust and intimacy in your relationships with your kids. This in turn decreases anxiety and depression while also increasing the ability to cope when things get tough.